�Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.�
-Sue Murphy

�Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.�
-William Coronel

�I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like fries with that?"
-Jay Leno

�Politics are stupid, so the first thing I'm going to do when I get elected president is assassinate myself.�
-Anonymous

�Computers are like little children -- if they make funny noises, just kick 'em til they stop.�
-Anonymous

�A drink a day keeps the shrink away.�
-Edward Abbey

(Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
(Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

�Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.�
-Albert Einstein

�Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.�
-Albert Einstein

�After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, �No hablo ingles.��
-Ronnie Shakes

�Suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself.�
-Mark Twain

�The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.�
-Kilgore Trout

�The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, �I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!�?�
-Bill Watterson (�Calvin and Hobbes�)

�There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.�
-Steven Wright

�Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....�
-Carl Zwanzig

�Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window�
-Steve Bluestone

�I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.�
-Rita Rudner

�We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.�
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

�Half this game is ninety percent mental.�
-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

�There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, �I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.��
-Jerry Seinfeld

�The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.�
-Anonymous

�People are like slinkeys.. They are fun to watch fall down the stairs.�
-Anonymous

�I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.�
-Albert Einstein

�You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.�
-Albert Einstien

�I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head.�
-Yogi Berra

�A nickel isn't worth a dime today�
-Yogi Berra

�If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?�
-Linda Ellerbee

�Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.�
-Johnny Carson

�According to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You'd think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.�
-Anonymous

�Whoever said 'anything is possible' obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.�
-Anonymous

�I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.�
-Elayne Boosler

�I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.�
-Jeff Stilson

�I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.�
-Johnathan Katz

�Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.�
-Anonymous

�He who laughs last didn't get the joke.�
-Anonymous

Simpsons Quotes (only a few of the many good ones):
�"It's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but ooooh man!"

�"You forgot one thing Wiggum....I filled the balls with a funnell."

�"Less artsie more fartsie!"

�"I'm Michael Jackson from the Jackson's." "I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons."

�"To Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems."

�"The pig is in the poke."

�"The kids can call you HoJu."

�"So what would you like, Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?

�"I'd kill you if I had my gun" "Yeah, well, 'ya don't"

�"Were gonna live like kings, damn, hell, ass, kings."

�"Aw, you've done grand, laddie! Now you know what you have to do: Burn the house down. Burn 'em all!"

�"Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins." "Homer Simpson, smilling politly."

�"The first step to failure is trying."

�"Who I'm really looking for winkwink is Mr. Bribe, winkwink." "Its a ringtoss game!" - Wiggum, Homer

� "I love movies. It's all that can take me away from the drudgery of work ... and family." - Homer

�"Shhh, He's about to do something stupid." -Lenny

�"Keep watching the skis ... uh, skies."