ÒDid you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.Ó
-Sue Murphy

ÒDon't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.Ó
-William Coronel

ÒI went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like fries with that?"
-Jay Leno

ÒPolitics are stupid, so the first thing I'm going to do when I get elected president is assassinate myself.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒComputers are like little children -- if they make funny noises, just kick 'em til they stop.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒA drink a day keeps the shrink away.Ó
-Edward Abbey

(Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
(Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

ÒOnly two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.Ó
-Albert Einstein

ÒMen marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.Ó
-Albert Einstein

ÒAfter twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, ÔNo hablo ingles.ÕÓ
-Ronnie Shakes

ÒSuppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself.Ó
-Mark Twain

ÒThe universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.Ó
-Kilgore Trout

ÒThe more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, ÔI think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!Õ?Ó
-Bill Watterson (ÔCalvin and HobbesÕ)

ÒThere's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.Ó
-Steven Wright

ÒDuct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....Ó
-Carl Zwanzig

ÒDid you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the windowÓ
-Steve Bluestone

ÒI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.Ó
-Rita Rudner

ÒWe're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.Ó
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

ÒHalf this game is ninety percent mental.Ó
-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

ÒThere's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ÔI know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.ÕÓ
-Jerry Seinfeld

ÒThe dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒPeople are like slinkeys.. They are fun to watch fall down the stairs.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒI know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.Ó
-Albert Einstein

ÒYou see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.Ó
-Albert Einstien

ÒI couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head.Ó
-Yogi Berra

ÒA nickel isn't worth a dime todayÓ
-Yogi Berra

ÒIf men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?Ó
-Linda Ellerbee

ÒAnytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.Ó
-Johnny Carson

ÒAccording to recent study someone is run over by a car every 5 minutes in the city. You'd think the guy would have enough sense to get out of the street.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒWhoever said 'anything is possible' obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒI have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.Ó
-Elayne Boosler

ÒI had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.Ó
-Jeff Stilson

ÒI don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.Ó
-Johnathan Katz

ÒEveryone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.Ó
-Anonymous

ÒHe who laughs last didn't get the joke.Ó
-Anonymous

Simpsons Quotes (only a few of the many good ones):
¥"It's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but ooooh man!"

¥"You forgot one thing Wiggum....I filled the balls with a funnell."

¥"Less artsie more fartsie!"

¥"I'm Michael Jackson from the Jackson's." "I'm Homer Simpson from the Simpsons."

¥"To Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems."

¥"The pig is in the poke."

¥"The kids can call you HoJu."

¥"So what would you like, Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Obo-mo-boe?

¥"I'd kill you if I had my gun" "Yeah, well, 'ya don't"

¥"Were gonna live like kings, damn, hell, ass, kings."

¥"Aw, you've done grand, laddie! Now you know what you have to do: Burn the house down. Burn 'em all!"

¥"Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins." "Homer Simpson, smilling politly."

¥"The first step to failure is trying."

¥"Who I'm really looking for winkwink is Mr. Bribe, winkwink." "Its a ringtoss game!" - Wiggum, Homer

¥ "I love movies. It's all that can take me away from the drudgery of work ... and family." - Homer

¥"Shhh, He's about to do something stupid." -Lenny

¥"Keep watching the skis ... uh, skies."